Retro Game Review: Klondike

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While my main computer is out of commission, I have been seeking other games to play, and have decided to seek out “light” games I can play on my very underpowered netbook.  I found this curious and strange game known as “Klondike” (other people simply call it “Solitaire” for some unknown reason), played with a deck of cards, which heretofore I thought was only used for the popular sport “Texas Holdem Poker” shown on ESPN along with other games like the one where a bunch of guys line up in overly protective padding to fight over some oblong turd-looking ball.  I think they called it “feets-ball” or something.  Regardless, I now realize cards can be used for other games.  Go figure.

The rules of this game seem simple: you line up sequential cards in alternating red and black colors and then ultimately weeding out and separating all the colors and their “clans” into their own spots atop the playfield (which seems very much like promoting racism and gangs to me, but I digress).  You win when every card is separated into their own type, which I can only assume would preclude some sort of turf war that isn’t explored in the game.

The gameplay, however, is very suspect: all the cards are not presented in the same order every time, making the game a bit of a roguelike, and worse, all cards are not accessible and are, in fact, blocked off by other cards that you cannot move, making the whole thing very luck-based.  Also, why the game felt it had to include royalty as standing in for the higher numbers (eleven and above) smacks of elitism and an obvious rich vs. poor divide, which also makes the game confusing as they could have simply added the higher numbers; space on the card for two-digit numbers obviously was not a concern, because the number 10 is represented as a number card.

In short, this is a poorly made, highly racist and elitist game that no one should play.

And please, please tell me you all recognized that all of this is one huge joke and that I don’t mean any of it.  Just wanted to amuse myself while trying to find a way to play real games again.

Except the random part.  THE LAST CARD I CAN’T GET TO IS WHAT I NEED.  EVERY TIME.  DAMN YOU, KLONDIKE.

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